More movie madness
White Noise - Michael Keaton makes a return from obscurity and jumps right into a horror film. Except this isn’t a very scary horror film. It’s a very boring horror film with a decent concept, that being dead people talking to the living through their appliances. But the film falls flat simply because there isn’t much of a story here. **
National Treasure - A more modern set version of the Indiana Jones films, this film was okay. The movie had some good moments, but the romance between Nicholas Cage and the woman he stole the Declaration of Independence from was a bit forced. The sidekick was the best actor in the film. The only problem I have with the film is the whole jingoistic “Wave the flag, another American has saved the day” message. ***
Spongebob Squarepants!
And is starring in a really crappy movie?
Spongebob Squarepants!
If killing your brain cells is what you’d find groovy,
Spongebob Squarepants!
Then drink a few beers and don’t watch this movie!
In short, if you want to watch 90 minutes of a sponge and a starfish playing at the bottom of the ocean, either watch three episodes of the cartoon for free or rent something starring Jacques Cousteau. It’s just that bad. This film is irritating even for children who watch the television show. -******* (with an emphasis on the negative sign)
Winnie The Pooh: The Heffalump Movie - I didn’t bother watching this one. Winnie the Pooh has had a few movies, Tigger got a movie, even the annoying Piglet got a movie. They can even make a movie about some creature called a Heffalump which is often mentioned, but rarely (if ever) seen. But where’s the Eeyore movie? N/A
Porco Rosso - Another great film by Studio Ghibli and Hiyao Miyazaki stolen from the vault by the folks at Disney. This film is a bit more adult than much of Miyazaki’s work, but that doesn’t mean children cannot watch it. There’s no nudity or swearing, and the violence is mostly shots of planes being knocked out of the sky. Michael Keaton does the voice of the main character, which is a real change for him. The guy who used to play Batman is now a pig. Not the best film by Miyazaki, but definitely one of his better works. *****
Madagascar - when film companies sell the rights to their characters to plaster on any product imaginable, it worries me that the film isn’t going to be any good. It also worries me when a film company advertises a film with “From the creators of …” What if I didn’t like the last film they made (in this case, SharkTale, which I hated)? This was a funny film, but the film could have been much better. Let me explain how to make Madagascar a funnier film.
1. More penguins. The penguins were the funniest part of the entire movie. Acting like Sam Fisher from the Splinter Cell series of video games, the penguins were always the funniest characters on the screen. Unfortunately, they were not the main characters and weren’t seen as often as the audience needed to see them.
2. More monkeys. There were two monkeys in the film with British accents. Any time they talked, they were funny. Unfortunately, they were on screen for even less time than the penguins.
3. Less musical moments/other movie tie-ins. The Simpsons mastered the art of using music or parts of other films and television shows to make parts of their show funnier. They’ve lost that talent. Some films, like Shrek, tried and often failed at this art. Madagascar does it even worse. When the music came on, the audience knew the film was going to go into a boring spot. And there were a lot of boring spots.
4. Dump the main characters. Ben Stiller was not funny and his character was boring. Chris Rock, whose character actually looked like him, was boring. Jada Pinkett-Smith was boring. David Schwimmer, who can’t even play a human being, was very boring as a giraffe. Their story was boring. Boring, boring, boring.
Much like The Grinch and The Cat in the Hat, this film suffered from too many stars who weren't needed and not enough story. I don’t understand why studios pay top dollar to stars for animated films or films where the character is so covered in makeup nobody would recognize them anyway. I guess they were trying to sell this film on star power. Unfortunately, the stars weren’t the bright spot of this film. **
AvP: Alien vs. Predator - back in the old days, I remembered reading a DarkHorse Comics version of Alien vs. Predator. It was a cool concept, and every so often someone would say that there was a film version hiding in a vault somewhere. When the film was announced, I was excited. Excited until I saw the name of the director…Paul W.S. Anderson. There are two ways this film could have been worse: if Uwe Boll had written and directed it, or if Rob Zombie wrote and directed it. AvP was still bad. Not as bad as I was expecting, but most of the good stuff was shown in the commercials. So, you sat and watched a film for two hours and saw a lot of boring moments and some stuff you saw in a commercial. And the Predator working with that woman was just too bad. I think the Predator would have torn out her spine and skull and decorated his trophy room. Still, it was better than Spongebob Squarepants. **
National Treasure - A more modern set version of the Indiana Jones films, this film was okay. The movie had some good moments, but the romance between Nicholas Cage and the woman he stole the Declaration of Independence from was a bit forced. The sidekick was the best actor in the film. The only problem I have with the film is the whole jingoistic “Wave the flag, another American has saved the day” message. ***
Spongebob Squarepants: The Movie -
Oh, who dominates ratings on children’s t-v?Spongebob Squarepants!
And is starring in a really crappy movie?
Spongebob Squarepants!
If killing your brain cells is what you’d find groovy,
Spongebob Squarepants!
Then drink a few beers and don’t watch this movie!
In short, if you want to watch 90 minutes of a sponge and a starfish playing at the bottom of the ocean, either watch three episodes of the cartoon for free or rent something starring Jacques Cousteau. It’s just that bad. This film is irritating even for children who watch the television show. -******* (with an emphasis on the negative sign)
Winnie The Pooh: The Heffalump Movie - I didn’t bother watching this one. Winnie the Pooh has had a few movies, Tigger got a movie, even the annoying Piglet got a movie. They can even make a movie about some creature called a Heffalump which is often mentioned, but rarely (if ever) seen. But where’s the Eeyore movie? N/A
Porco Rosso - Another great film by Studio Ghibli and Hiyao Miyazaki stolen from the vault by the folks at Disney. This film is a bit more adult than much of Miyazaki’s work, but that doesn’t mean children cannot watch it. There’s no nudity or swearing, and the violence is mostly shots of planes being knocked out of the sky. Michael Keaton does the voice of the main character, which is a real change for him. The guy who used to play Batman is now a pig. Not the best film by Miyazaki, but definitely one of his better works. *****
Madagascar - when film companies sell the rights to their characters to plaster on any product imaginable, it worries me that the film isn’t going to be any good. It also worries me when a film company advertises a film with “From the creators of …” What if I didn’t like the last film they made (in this case, SharkTale, which I hated)? This was a funny film, but the film could have been much better. Let me explain how to make Madagascar a funnier film.
1. More penguins. The penguins were the funniest part of the entire movie. Acting like Sam Fisher from the Splinter Cell series of video games, the penguins were always the funniest characters on the screen. Unfortunately, they were not the main characters and weren’t seen as often as the audience needed to see them.
2. More monkeys. There were two monkeys in the film with British accents. Any time they talked, they were funny. Unfortunately, they were on screen for even less time than the penguins.
3. Less musical moments/other movie tie-ins. The Simpsons mastered the art of using music or parts of other films and television shows to make parts of their show funnier. They’ve lost that talent. Some films, like Shrek, tried and often failed at this art. Madagascar does it even worse. When the music came on, the audience knew the film was going to go into a boring spot. And there were a lot of boring spots.
4. Dump the main characters. Ben Stiller was not funny and his character was boring. Chris Rock, whose character actually looked like him, was boring. Jada Pinkett-Smith was boring. David Schwimmer, who can’t even play a human being, was very boring as a giraffe. Their story was boring. Boring, boring, boring.
Much like The Grinch and The Cat in the Hat, this film suffered from too many stars who weren't needed and not enough story. I don’t understand why studios pay top dollar to stars for animated films or films where the character is so covered in makeup nobody would recognize them anyway. I guess they were trying to sell this film on star power. Unfortunately, the stars weren’t the bright spot of this film. **
AvP: Alien vs. Predator - back in the old days, I remembered reading a DarkHorse Comics version of Alien vs. Predator. It was a cool concept, and every so often someone would say that there was a film version hiding in a vault somewhere. When the film was announced, I was excited. Excited until I saw the name of the director…Paul W.S. Anderson. There are two ways this film could have been worse: if Uwe Boll had written and directed it, or if Rob Zombie wrote and directed it. AvP was still bad. Not as bad as I was expecting, but most of the good stuff was shown in the commercials. So, you sat and watched a film for two hours and saw a lot of boring moments and some stuff you saw in a commercial. And the Predator working with that woman was just too bad. I think the Predator would have torn out her spine and skull and decorated his trophy room. Still, it was better than Spongebob Squarepants. **
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